There are times when tears come unexpectedly for me. When my emotions feel close to the surface, ready to spill over. A day feels melancholy. Or I feel knots starting to form in my stomach. I feel particularly lonely. Something pokes at an old wound or something hard looms on the horizon. It feels like the lies I’ve worked so hard to not believe suddenly find new weak points in me to attack. Or maybe I’m suddenly tired – of working full time, or of having to be strong, or of being alone. I woke up this morning realizing it was going to be one of those days.
The unexpected part is that most days these same things could exist and they aren’t a burden, I may barely notice them, and they don’t bring tears to my eyes. I don’t spend my days working up energy to “be strong”. I enjoy my life – it’s not a constant struggle. My normal quietness is peaceful, not melancholic.
So what causes two similar days, in terms of circumstances, to feel so different? I can usually identify possible triggers for the emotions. But why are those triggers no big deal most days, yet seem to get their hooks in me on other occasions?
I don’t know why. I do know I have friends that I can call or ask for prayer. It’s both good and wise to do that. I do know that this will pass. I do know that even on these days, I can have extended periods of good “distraction” – where being with people feels normal and life-giving. But that doesn't always "solve" the problem and the emotional fragility returns after that time is over.
At the core, sometimes I just need Jesus. Not in my normal quiet times, not in my typical prayer times, not in the wonderful gift of friends. I just need Him.
An old hymn, I Will Arise and Go To Jesus, has this chorus:
I will arise and go to Jesus,
He will embrace me in His arms;
In the arms of my dear Savior,
Oh, there are ten thousand charms.
So I run to Jesus, desperate for His arms around me. Not wanting to talk or think or analyze or take the steps I've learned in counseling. Just wanting to be held. And knowing that His arms are my safe place, my best protection from the things that hurt and ultimately where I will find what I need.
This week I had the privilege of connecting with a long distance friend who is going through an extremely painful time. There seems to be no good news. Everything that could go wrong does go wrong.
Months of this have brought exhaustion, discouragement, despair and hopelessness.
And many of us, when we find ourselves in those situations, become more susceptible to the lies of the enemy.
So I’ve been thinking about the difference between conviction and condemnation – and there is a basic truth I come back to time and time again. This is not a theological treatise. It’s a general rule of thumb that I believe is true.*
The Holy Spirit convicts of sin. We know we’ve done something that needs to be taken care of. Conviction, in my experience, is specific and it relates to the action and not to your identity. You told a particular lie, you cheated a particular person, you were cruel to someone you know. You did a particular thing that you know was wrong.
When we bring this to God and others, and take appropriate actions to make things as right as we can with another person, the relational distance between us and God is taken care of and the Holy Spirit reassures us of that.
The goal of this type of conviction is the restoration of your sense of relationship. It creates closeness and intimacy, freedom and joy. It is based on truth.
Condemnation, on the other hand, is from the enemy. He may try to disguise it as conviction but condemnation tends to be general rather than specific and it attacks who you are rather than what you did. “You’re a liar.” “You always destroy relationships.” “You’re an awful person.”
Attempts to earn your way out of condemnation (“I’ll try to be better”) don’t work. Acceptance (“Everything really is my fault.”) leaves you stuck in despair. And confession can seem to dig the hole deeper – because the enemy has created a scenario that is fundamentally different from conviction. If you confess and nothing seems to change, it can keep the cycle going by seeming to provide proof that you’re the problem and it’s unsolvable.
The goal of condemnation is the destruction of relationship. It creates distance and isolation, bondage and despair. It is based on lies.
So how do we deal with condemnation?
Learn to identify the "voice", to be able to discern between conviction and condemnation.
Cling to the promise in Romans 8:1: “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Don’t let the lies or the partial truths of the enemy rob you of this reality.
Let the Lord speak truth to your heart, especially about how He sees you. Listen for His still, small voice. Look to scripture. For example, Zephaniah 3:17 says this: “For the Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”
Ask the Lord to examine your heart, to bring conviction where appropriate and to give you courage to make things right with Him and with others. “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” Psalm 139:23-24.
Relax, as much as you can in the midst of your struggles, in His love and trustworthiness. You don't have to earn it. He wants you to feel securely loved. One of my lifelines has been: "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us." (1 John 4:16a). I've clung to that at times when everything else was falling apart, when attacks were coming non-stop.
So - is it conviction? Or condemnation? Is it truth? Or is it lie? It's crucial to learn the difference.
*For this, I’m speaking primarily to those already in relationship with Jesus. I’m not talking about the work of the Holy Spirit that initially draws us to Him.
I’m struck by a particular detail in the story of Jesus’ encounter with the woman at the well in John 4. It’s not her outcast status or even the fact that Jesus took the unusual step in His culture of having a conversation (a theological one at that!) with a woman.
What I’m struck by is what she says when she runs excitedly back into town. “Come, meet a man who told me everything I ever did.” She goes on to wonder whether He could be the Messiah, but her opening excitement is that He told her everything she had ever done – including that she had had five husbands and was not married to the man she was living with.
And it appears to have been good news to her, freeing news to her, to meet a man like that. The town knew the details of her life and they used them to shame her. Jesus knew the details of her life and He used them to bring her into relationship with Him.
It makes me wonder. When we interact with people, or when we introduce people to Jesus, do they come away feeling they’ve encountered “good news”? News that produces freedom and life and relationship rather than shame and guilt and distance. Do we speak of grace but in reality impose law? Do we exude the abundant life Jesus promises or do we focus on what they have to give up?
Lauren Winner, in her book Real Sex (The Naked Truth About Chastity), says that the church has typically not done a good job of presenting chastity as “good news”. I think it’s a common problem. We wrestle with the call to holiness and the good news somehow becomes a list of dos and don’ts.
I’m not talking about tossing truth out the window or not ever addressing the issue of sin. I also know we are called to live holy lives, that we are to be different than the world around us. Discipleship requires us to address thorny issues. Our actions matter. Sin is not to be taken lightly. Jesus Himself told the woman caught in adultery to “go and sin no more” – but He did so after a grace-filled interaction (John 8).
At some point I will probably write about confronting people and speaking the hard truth, about facing consequences of unwise or sinful choices, about setting appropriate boundaries. Scripture tells us we need to do those things and it tells us how to do them. It’s not that I don’t believe those things are important. It’s just that it is not what this post is about.
This is about the good news of encountering a God who knows everything about us – all the ugly parts, all the regrets, all the things we would like to keep hidden - but who speaks good news into that in a way that transforms lives. That makes an outcast woman run into town and invite those who shun her to follow her back to the well because she has encountered someone who changed her life.
Jesus was full of grace and truth. His conversations set people free. I want to be like that.
In some circles, you hear people bemoaning the fact that many churches are inwardly focused. They care about “their own” and appear to largely ignore the world out there that needs to hear the gospel. I believe churches do need to provide a degree of self-care and that there are often valid things pulling a church in that direction. Certain stages of discipleship could fall into this category. And it is appropriate to care for the spiritual, physical and emotional needs of the “family” – to love them in real and tangible ways. But a church falls short of its mission if it never looks beyond itself – if it hoards the gifts (spiritual and otherwise) that it has received.
If this is true for churches, is it also true for individuals?
You’ve probably discovered by now that I am incredibly grateful for the healing that has occurred in my own life. And reflecting on that, remembering that, is an important part of my story.
But if my testimony is only that I’ve been healed (or blessed in other ways) and am now able to live a peaceful life, then I believe I have stopped short of where this journey is supposed to take me. I become selfish if I hoard these gifts. There’s a purpose for these things that goes beyond my own happiness or less stressful life.
Don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying you have to “get your act together” before God can use you in the lives of others. Or that there’s some sort of burdensome “pay it forward” checklist God is keeping track of. Or that we can never just relax and enjoy where God has brought us.
What I’m saying is that the things Jesus has done in my life equip me to pour into others. I can take my former woundedness and use it to speak hope. I can testify to God’s presence in the midst of pain. I can walk beside someone with deeper understanding of both their present condition and their future possibilities. I can use my home to bless others through hospitality.
Most people will probably have seasons when their own pain makes it difficult to see anything else. When they are the ones desperately in need of those who can speak hope and comfort and healing. When their time and energy are consumed by something that feels overwhelming. When clinging desperately to Jesus is the only thing they can hope to do to barely survive the day. I know I’ve had those seasons, and I may have them again.
Right now, though, it feels that I’ve been healed in order to heal, been blessed in order to bless, been comforted in order to comfort, been set free in order to set free.
The gospel message is not just salvation. It is hope and healing as well. It is proclaiming freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind. It is setting the oppressed free. It is doing the things we see our heavenly Father doing.
There is a world desperately in need of that message.
Lord, let me not get stuck hoarding what you have given me.
To be deeply peaceful – no matter what the circumstances - is something I’ve learned in the last decade or so. The Lord has worked on the level of fear in my life, I’ve been through excruciating grief, I’ve wrestled with whether I am lovable. There’s been a lot – and recognizing that I can have deep and abiding and sustaining peace in the midst of those things has been one of the gifts of this journey. There can be a solid peacefulness that co-exists with intense pain.
Peace comes pretty naturally to me these days. When something challenges it, I know the steps to regain it. It takes more than it used to to disturb the peacefulness I feel, and when it does get disturbed it’s not the same struggle to get back there. Jesus promised us that His peace is different from the world’s peace – and I’ve experienced that.
But I was once challenged to not settle just for peace, but to press on to joy. This was earlier in my journey and the advice giver acknowledged that after a long season of pain and anguish, he knew that arriving at a place of peace felt really good. But he encouraged me to press on until I reached joy. For the joy set before Him, Jesus endured the cross.(Heb. 12:2)
But what does joy look like in me? Despite huge amounts of breaking free from it, I’m still shy in most settings. I don’t have the bubbly personality where joy spills over infectiously. I’m quieter by nature. I don’t spontaneously blurt out the things that indicate joy. Shyness creates unique challenges in this area. The fear of embarrassment is still a struggle for me. It seems as if peacefulness suits my personality better than joy does.
But I have this nagging sense that the Lord has more for me.
It’s not that joy is not present. I do think I have pressed past peace and into joy. It’s that I don’t know how to make it visible. I often think that if I could change one thing about myself, it most likely would be this. I’d like to be more expressive to those around me – especially in the things that indicate joy and delight. But here I am, still quiet and shy about it.
A few days ago something caused a blip in my peacefulness and my joy. It hurt and it was unfair and I spent one evening doing a little bit of grieving. I brought a handful of people alongside me. The peace began to flow back in.
And I realized this – the reminder to press on to joy comes automatically these days. It's become an integral extension of peace. Whether or not I’m ever able to express it in a way that others can see, I do know that the joy of the Lord is my strength.
I may live more comfortably in “peace,” but “joy” is also a fruit of the Spirit and I want my life to be characterized by it as well. I sense the Lord asking me to stretch a bit.
Oprah often asks her guests – in her TV interviews and in her magazine – this question: “What do you know for sure?”
Of the many ways I could answer that, here is one that remains constant. I know for sure that Jesus understands a woman’s heart.
It started out being “I know that Jesus understands us.” A Palm Sunday sermon 20 years ago took that truth from a head knowledge to a more powerful heart connection. The gist of the sermon was that Jesus, during His time on earth, and especially during the events of Holy Week, knew what it felt like to be lonely, to be misunderstood, to have the “system” (both religious and legal) that was supposed to protect people turn against Him, to have friends break promises, betray Him and not be there for Him. The list could go on and on.
The point is – it hit me in a new and powerful way that I was not only forgiven, I was understood. My specifics might not line up with what Jesus experienced, but the comfort of knowing that my emotions were understood became real.
Fast forward a lot of years and I found myself struggling to breathe (metaphorically) because the pain of a marriage that ended was so great, the betrayal so agonizing. In reality, it had been coming for a long time but those early weeks and months after the separation took the pain to a new level.
I found myself reading the gospels and becoming acutely aware of Jesus’ encounters with women. There’s the woman who anointed His feet, the woman at the well, the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years, mothers whose children died, women who needed physical or spiritual healing, and the list goes on. Luke even specifically refers to the women who financially supported Jesus’ ministry out of their own means, giving them names – not just referring to them as someone’s wife.
I was a broken-hearted woman reading these stories, someone whose core identity as a wife and a woman had been trampled on. And here’s what I saw - a lot of little details that brought hope to my heart: Jesus looked into their eyes, He praised them in front of the crowd and He took specific steps to restore them to community (i.e., to alleviate their shame and their isolation). He acknowledged and received their faith and their love – and treated both of those as precious gifts. I have journal pages full of the emotions connected to the understanding and comfort that were embedded in those encounters.
The agony passed, the healing began, I could breathe again, do what I needed to do and even thrive. And I knew this for sure: Jesus understands a woman’s heart.
Is it possible that Kingdom work is as much about what we say “No” to as it is about what we say “Yes” to? [Note: If you think this is headed toward a legalistic, moralistic list of “dos” and “don’ts” related primarily to behavior, it’s not!]
There are two stories – almost back to back in the gospel of Luke – that have challenged me for years. In Luke 4:14-30, Jesus has just finished His testing in the wilderness and He returns home to Nazareth. He attends the synagogue, reads the Messianic passage from Isaiah 61*, and announces that “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.” There’s an exchange with the crowd about no prophet being recognized in his home town and Jesus is driven, by the crowd, out of town to the edge of a hillside where they intend to throw him off the cliff. “But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.” (v. 30).
A few verses later (verses 40-44), we find Jesus in Capernaum at the home of Simon. Beginning when the Sabbath ended at sunset, people brought a steady stream of the sick and demon-possessed to Him and He healed them. This continues throughout the night until Jesus retreats to a solitary place at daybreak. The people find Him and try to keep Him from leaving. “But he said, ‘I must proclaim the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent.’” (verse 43).
So where’s the challenge? For me it comes in several forms.
In the midst of people who know me, who may not think I can do something, am I willing to hold fast and trust my sense of call? To not let their perception of me cloud who God says I am?
For me, a deep rejection which is then followed by an adoring crowd, would make the adoring crowd an enticing place to stay. Do I have the courage – and the sense of call – to move on, not knowing what is ahead in terms of acceptance or rejection?
Can I leave things “undone” or “unfinished” when it is not my role to finish them? As I read this passage, my assumption is that there were needs Jesus did not meet in Capernaum. More sick people. More demon possessed people. More suffering. More people to inspire and nurture. And He walks away from that. He says “No” – not always an easy thing for us to say in Christian circles where we are inundated with requests to meet needs. He says “No” to real ministry opportunities in order to be obedient to His greater calling.
In many ways, this last one is the hardest for me. It doesn’t feel right to see what needs to be done and then not do it. How do I keep my eyes on the bigger picture when the little picture is so immediate and so compelling?
I don’t have an answer. I’m not even sure I can say definitively that I know what I am sent to do – even after 20 years of being challenged by this passage. So, even at this stage of my life, I long for increasing pieces of that knowledge – and occasional reminders that I am created and sent for a purpose.
*Isaiah 61:1 - The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor.
As promised, here's the rest of my list - things that have helped me grow. (For the first six items see Part One)
7. Make no assumptions that your “normal” life will stay normal. Small acts of radical discipleship often lead to bigger leaps of faith.
8. Look for opportunities to be generous in non-financial ways. Be generous with praise, with time, with compassion, with little acts of assistance. Learn people's "love language" as part of your generosity to them.
9. Experiment with doing things anonymously. Being invisible for a season can be stretching and can drive you closer to the Father when your other sources of affirmation become unavailable.
10. Disrupt your routine from time to time. Continually look for opportunities to get out of your comfort zone. Do little things regularly (e.g., spend time with someone you wouldn’t normally spend time with) but occasionally do big things as well (e.g., a mission trip).
11. Admit that boredom is not an option as a lifestyle. If you are bored, ask Him what Kingdom work you are not seeing right around you.
12. Distinguish between appropriate self-care/relaxation/leisure and self-medication, avoidance or numbing behavior. I believe in "down time" and "just fun". I spend time on the couch in front of the TV from time to time. Learn your needs (what nourishes you and refills your tank) but also learn what constitutes an unhealthy or unproductive escape. Brother Lawrence, in The Practice of the Presence of God, says something along these lines: "How sad it is to trade fellowship with God for the trivial." [My paraphrase. After all these years I can't guarantee it's an exact quote.]
13. Recognize that your time – as well as your other resources – belongs to the Lord. And that includes your “job” time, not just your “discretionary” time. Do you feel a sense of call - either directly or indirectly - in what you do? Does your job allow you to accomplish or provide for things related to the Kingdom? Or does it interfere with your Kingdom call? Is there a persistent nudge from the Spirit that things are not right? Is there a nagging sense of "something more" that doesn't go away. Pay attention. Ask the Lord what it means. Is the "location" not right? Is the work/family balance not right? Is timing/season of life an issue?
14. If hard things - job losses, economic shifts – occur, look for God’s hand and consider whether you’re being pushed out of the nest, being forced to do something you wouldn’t do on your own.
15. Hold "things" lightly. This is not an “anti-wealth”, “anti-nice things” statement. It is about availability, about not blindly buying into our culture's view of consumerism. Be ready and willing to sacrifice "things"- if called to - for the greater joy of serving the Kingdom.
So, what have I missed? Any thoughts that should be added to the list?
I thought about titling this “How to be a radical disciple without going on the World Race”. There are circumstances – such as the World Race – that seem inherently “radical”. The steps of faith, the ministry opportunities, the challenges and the Kingdom impact are all clear. The routines are less settled. The stories and pictures “prove” you are living radically.
But what if it is not that clear cut? What if you have to look for opportunities within your “ordinary” life? The desire to be a radical disciple stirs in many of us who live more “normal” lives, constrained by full-time jobs, family commitments, stage of life issues and the like. So how do we live as radical disciples?
I recently found a journal where I had begun to jot down thoughts. This isn’t a full discussion with all the appropriate qualifiers. It’s merely some thoughts from years of wrestling and seeking.
How to live as a radical disciple (the first 6 thoughts – with the rest of the list coming tomorrow):
1. Take listening prayer seriously. Make a commitment ahead of time to believe that God will speak to you. Work toward instantaneous obedience when you know it is His voice. Believe He speaks in the little things (“go talk to that lonely person”) as well as the big things (“move to Africa”).
2. Do not disguise fear as wisdom. Be brutally honest. Resist the temptation to dismiss things by saying “I don’t think it is wise to …” when you really mean “I’m afraid to ….”
3. Don’t live self-protectively. You’ll know what this looks like in your own life. Maybe you begin to make decisions that the world might consider foolish. Or when you feel the Spirit’s nudge, you give away more than you think you can afford. But you make a daily choice to listen to Him first and then to trust Him to provide what you need – physically, emotionally, financially and in every other way. It is no longer primarily your responsibility to create security in your life.
4. Consider whether you want your life to be characterized by supernatural gifting or only by “inherent talent”. Obviously there is a lot of overlap. But I want a ministry in the Kingdom that cannot be explained by my “natural talent”. I want there to be a component that can only be explained by the presence of God. Have the courage to ask for that, knowing that it is like jumping off a cliff.
5. Spend time thinking about the difference between desire and call. I believe there’s a big overlap but I don’t think they are exactly the same. Learn contentment where you are called and ask Him to open your eyes to see why He has you there. Commit to His ministry - even if you would have chosen a different one. Ask Him to align your heart with His in this particular place and this particular season of your life. [Note: Tomorrow's list will have the balancing thoughts on being open to changing your circumstances.]
6. Ask the Lord to show you where you still hold on to a sense of entitlement. It can be overt (“I’m entitled to a certain lifestyle”) or it can be subtle (“Because of all I’ve gone through, I’m entitled to have it easier for a while”). A sense of entitlement will rob you of joy.
Why did Adventures in Missions capture my heart long before I moved here to work with them on a daily basis? Why did I end up here as opposed to some other organization? There are a lot of ministries I love and believe in and could be happy working for. But the restlessness I've referred to before brought me here. Why?
I’ve watched Adventures in Missions grow and mature and expand since it’s founding 23 years ago and I have been a part of that long history. I’ve been on mission and vision trips with them. I’ve been a financial and prayer supporter. I see them operate with great integrity in the world of short term missions. My connection with them has already stood the test of time. I believe in their vision and their mission.
This isn't a complete list, but it is some of the things God used to stir this call in me:
The bias toward action. They move quickly when they sense God moving or when there is a need. By nature, I can’t bring that spontaneity to a team but I desperately want to be at a table where it is present.
The desire to radically disciple the next generation – not just short term mission trips but longer trips and the World Race for 20-somethings. I resonate with Adventures’ belief that God wants to do something powerful in and through them.
The commitment to partnerships and corresponding lack of “ego”. Short term mission trips serve local pastors, American churches are partnered with Haitian churches for rebuilding and encouragement. The World Race works with a wide range of existing ministries. They celebrate individuals and organizations committed to bringing God’s kingdom. It’s not about Adventures, it’s about the Kingdom.
The commitment to caring for orphans – and to many others who are “the least of these”. For example, over 5,000 orphans are fed in Swaziland through the ministry of Adventures.
The commitment to listening prayer, and the way they have learned to use it for both immediate action and long term direction.
The openess to the Holy Spirit, to miracles, to people being healed - to bringing Heaven to earth.
The strategic plan to always have a "next step" to take you deeper or stretch you further. From short term youth group trips to longer high school trips to colleges age experiences ranging from 1 to 9 months, to the World Race - 11 countries in 11 months, to mid-term commitments of 2-3 years, to long term mobilization. If you want a next step, chances are it is here - or that you might be able to create it here.
The opportunities for people to apprentice and serve - and the intentional commitment to making that a discipleship thing and not just a work thing.
The desire to research and evaluate and make adjustments during the process of solving problems or developing programs. Whether it is how to do effective and culturally appropriate orphan care in Africa or how to help World Racers transition well post-Race, it is thought through and tried and tweaked and examined.
The strength of the broader leadership. Seth's name is the one everyone knows. But he has built a strong executive team that leads with him and they have recruited strong and gifted people to lead the programs at Adventures. I'm humbled to be among these people. I've watched them make hard decisions, handle a variety of issues, make adjustments - and do it with grace and wisdom and transparency. For those of you who attend the Willow Creek Leadership Summit, I feel like I'm in a place where I'm watching people lead in the way the Summit challenges us to lead. In Jim Collins' terms, there's a strong desire to make sure the right people are on the bus and that they are in the right seats.
The corporate culture - which balances a strong emphasis on hard work, professionalism, accountability and excellence with community times and fun. The bar is set high in terms of expectations - but then the office will close at 2:00 one day and they will take everyone bowling. I love working somewhere that invests in its staff in that way.
It's not perfect here. No organization is. There are communication issues, and shifting job descriptions, and misunderstandings. Sometimes things - and maybe even people - fall through the cracks. The start up process for programs (or people) might not always work as perfectly as we would hope. But there's an underlying integrity that I respect.
And the bottom line remains the same. With its strengths and with its flaws, I love being connected with the mission and the vision of Adventures, I love being connected to what God is doing around the world and I'm very grateful for the restlessness and the call that brought me here.
There are times when tears come unexpectedly for me. When my emotions feel close to the surface, ready to spill over. A day feels melancholy. Or I feel knots starting to form in my stomach. I feel particularly lonely. Something pokes at an old wound or something hard looms on the horizon. It feels like the lies I’ve worked so hard to not believe suddenly find new weak points in me to attack. Or maybe I’m suddenly tired – of working full time, or of having to be strong, or of being alone. I woke up this morning realizing it was going to be one of those days.
were understood became real.
it is about what we say “Yes” to? [Note: If you think this is headed toward a legalistic, moralistic list of “dos” and “don’ts” related primarily to behavior, it’s not!]
hat if it is not that clear cut? What if you have to look for opportunities within your “ordinary” life? The desire to be a radical disciple stirs in many of us who live more “normal” lives, constrained by full-time jobs, family commitments, stage of life issues and the like. So how do we live as radical disciples?
Why did I end up here as opposed to some other organization? There are a lot of ministries I love and believe in and could be happy working for. But the restlessness I've referred to before brought me here. Why?