When the News is Good – But Not Profound

It’s been 5 months since my cancer treatments (radiation) ended.  You’ve walked with me in this journey and it’s right for you to be updated.  But to be honest, I keep waiting for something profound to share. And it’s not there.

There are facts.  I was exhausted at the end of radiation in mid-November but 5 months out my energy level has returned.  (For example, at 4 months out I did a 16-day work related trip that involved three 25+ hour travel days, multiple days of 5-6 hour bus rides and more.)  My first post-cancer mammogram – done 5 months after the lumpectomy and 2 months after the end of radiation – was clear. My visits with the oncologist (every 3 months) are routine and uneventful.  

In just about every way, this journey with cancer is over – and with minimal disruption to my life compared to the cancer journey of so many others.  Caught early. Didn’t need chemo. Successful radiation. And so on. I felt like working throughout it and doing the work I love brought life and good “distraction”.  It maintained continuity and minimized the disruption.

It feels almost unfair to claim I’m a cancer survivor because my life was never really in question.  I didn’t come face to face with my mortality in scary ways. There were a few weeks here and there – waiting for the surgery, waiting for test results, waiting for a treatment plan – where I waited in the unknown and my previous posts talk about how I processed that.  But it’s been less than a year since it was discovered and it’s basically completely over. That feels fast to me.

A few things pop up here and there.  There’s a daily pill to take. Those medical forms that you have to fill out for doctor visits – I have to add “cancer” and “radiation” to the list of medical situations I put a check mark by.  The night before my first mammogram, for the first time, the thought of “what if it’s back” popped into my mind – but wasn’t able to gain a foothold based in fear. I noticed some puffy tissue under my arm and had to decide whether or not this is something I call the oncologist about (I did call, she checked it, and it was nothing to worry about).  

But overall this has been an easier journey than some of the other journeys in my life.  I don’t yet see profound lessons from this. And maybe that is because so many of the potential lessons – overcoming fear, absolute trust in the Lord, and so on – are already built into the foundations of my life.  I’m not sure.

So I rest in a season of gratitude.

In the midst of scary news I’ve experienced deep gratitude.  Gratitude for the results of my particular medical situation. For relatives and friends who came to be with me in the midst of the unknown and who were there for all of my doctor visits.  For meals provided when radiation created extreme fatigue. For the notes and texts and cards and gifts that let me know people cared.  For the prayers that were prayed on my behalf.

I don’t take it for granted that this journey has played out the way it has. I look at it with great gratitude.