(This is the second part of a discussion. Part 1 was Sorting out Shyness, Fear and Introversion. Coming soon in other posts – thoughts on being a strong (dangerous?) woman and thoughts on being an introverted leader.)
This second installment in the series has proven troublesome. In part, it’s because something keeps intruding into the story that I hadn’t intended to talk about. After two weeks of being stuck, I’ve concluded that it’s not going away. I can’t talk about being a strong woman without talking about the need to find my voice.
Remember the 1999 movie Runaway Bride? Maggie Carpenter (Julia Robert’s character) has left several fiancés at the altar and a reporter does a story about her. As he talks individually to each former fiancé, the interviews often take place over breakfast at the local diner. Each guy orders his eggs in a different style. In the course of conversation, every one of them mentions that Maggie likes her eggs the same way he likes his.
That’s a woman who didn’t know how to use her voice. That was me.
I mentioned last time that part of the process of letting go of fear was that I discovered I had a “voice” and that I wanted to use it. I also said God did the deepest work on my fear during a scary stage of my life. What I didn’t say is that it was as my marriage was ending after 25 years. I was a stay at home mom. I’d never been driven by career aspirations. I really just wanted to be a wife and mom. I loved volunteering. But suddenly I was looking at re-entering the paid workforce, being more completely on my own, facing an “empty nest” without a companion and all the other things that go along with that.
(Just a side note – there is a danger in oversimplifying any divorce and I don’t want to do that. And this isn’t the place to share details. This is about a profound work the Lord did in me during that time frame.)
The person who should have been my biggest cheerleader no longer played that role. When you live with someone who doesn’t treasure or value your voice, you get confused. You wonder if you are really what the other person says. When you are put together the way I am, you keep trying to prove that you’re good enough – but it never makes a difference. You ask counselors if your thoughts are normal and they try to help you see that even asking that question indicates there is distortion in your marriage and in your thinking.
It was in this context that God was working on my fear and shyness. But He was also telling me I had a voice – one that it was okay to use. Over the years, I had grown in confidence in certain areas. I knew my stuff when it came to heading up Children’s Ministry. I was competent in a number of other areas. But at my core, the part that was most intimately connected to my hopes and dreams, my likes and dislikes, the things that made me laugh and the things that made me cry, I didn’t know how to use my voice. There was a tentativeness around most people.
Some of the most tender moments in my journals came as the Lord told me that not only was it okay to have a voice, it was important to use it. He told me I had value and He gently encouraged me to believe that. He, the Lord of the universe, showed me His delight in my voice.
Some steps were big. Some were small. I grew enormously through the years of counseling before the marriage finally ended. And in the midst of the intense pain that was my life for those years, this growth felt like a gift – the hidden gem. It felt like weight being lifted off my shoulders. It felt like fresh air. I was coming alive in ways that were exciting to me. But to my husband it seemed as if the ground rules were changing and he could not rejoice in the things that felt like freedom to me.
Eventually, I was the one who filed for divorce. I had begged God that if my marriage was going to end, please have my husband be the one to file. In the end, for a number of reasons, I had no choice but to do it. And in doing so, I found a new piece of my voice – one that I believe the Lord knew was important for me to use. Admittedly, it was a piece I had never wanted to use, a piece that initiated me into a club I had never wanted to be part of (divorced). But it was a voice that came from a place of realizing I had value and importance and a call on my life. Perhaps most importantly, that there were lines it was appropriate for me to draw and there were things that were important for me to say.
Toward the end of Runaway Bride, Maggie Carpenter has figured out more of who she really is. She’s an artist, among other things. She’s built a successful following in the city. She’s found her voice. She’s eaten every style of cooked eggs and she announces to the reporter: “Benedict. I love Eggs Benedict. I hate every other kind.”
Finding your voice matters. And egg preference is just one of the fun parts.
Betty, I love the strength exhibited through your vulnerability in sharing. Your words give others, especially me, courage to find our own voice. I am tired of searching for acceptance and approval from others. I am so hungry to seek it from the only One with true unconditional love and acceptance of who we are where we are and knows where He wants us to go. It is so hard to take action steps away from earthly beings where the need for acceptance for approval never comes. My marriage is good. My relationships with my children are good even as they move further and further from the “nest”. But now it is time for me to find my new role and my voice. And I don’t think God is through with me yet. 🙂
Betts,
I sure do love you, your voice, and your little dog, too.
Your vulnerability is a gift to others. Thanks for showing us how you were able to find your voice.
Betty – as always, your story gives me hope in every challenge set before us. I celebrate from afar how you have also sprouted wings that serve the Lord in many nations. Your voice is a roaring lion that honors our Savior. Press on, dear Sister!!!
so well said! That voice coming through ! You are brave and courageous and aren’t afraid to be vulnerable. I love your voice !
Betty,
I am so glad that you’ve found your voice. Keep speaking…you have so much to say!
This is surprising to me. To me, you’ve always had a very strong voice. From the time we were young, you knew things that nobody else knew. You had stuff figured out that none of the rest of us had even STARTED to work on. You committed to your marriage and stayed until Truth wouldn’t let you stay any more — and then you committed to a process (bringing along The Professionals. both human and spiritual) to move forward in the best possible way. Which you did. And you got to the other side with your integrity intact. People without a voice DO NOT BEHAVE THAT WAY. I’m not arguing the point of this piece, because you know yourself. I’m just saying that the uncertainty you present here is not the Betty I ever saw. That both creatures would live inside the same soul is rather miraculous — and a privilege to know! Love ya!
Karen – I’m sure He’s not finished with you yet! I am a huge believer that this stage of life is a key one that God wants to speak into and either resurrect old dreams that were set aside or plant new ones.
Thanks Seth. You walked through a good bit of this with me. It’s part of why I’m where I am today – both spiritually and job-wise.
Stephanie – How I miss you! But I just finalized plans to be in CT in early June. I’ll be in touch closer to that time to see if we can spend some time together.
Sue – This is interesting to me. When I arrived in Iowa in the middle of my junior year of high school (a tough time to be uprooted and moved), it was a chance for me to take a leap forward and be “more” than I had been before. Since at that point I hated for people to point out that I had changed (even for the better), I could start fresh without people knowing how I had been before. And in many ways I did. I stepped out at a new level. But you – you were the bold, confident, fun, exciting one. You didn’t intimidate me, but I also saw you as the one who had it together, who had figured out how to do the high school thing, etc. It was a thrill to me that you wanted to be my friend! And you were the one who made that short spell in Iowa a good one for me.
My Friend!– I keep returning to write something and what I keep seeing is “Beauty for ashes” so perhaps that’s what’s to be said here. In Isaiah 61:3 God says:::: “and provide for those who grieve in Zion– to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” You are an OAK, Betty Means! A planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. Own it.
Wow, Betty, you and I have the same sad but wonderfully redemptive story- having to file for divorce after being a wife and stay-at-home mom for 25 years, and essentially having to figure out who I was. I love the eggs example – a counselor asked me my likes and dislikes in several areas from recreation to clothes and I had no idea because I had faded into the background for so long! I know that wonderful feeling of God throwing the windows open, of being set free from my dysfunctional world and brought into the truth. Praise God! He has brought so many wonderful things into my life, and into yours- he makes everything new. I’m still working on finding my voice at times, but I’ve come a long way. Thanks so much for sharing!
Wow, Betty, you and I have the same sad but wonderfully redemptive story- having to file for divorce after being a wife and stay-at-home mom for 25 years, and essentially having to figure out who I was. I love the eggs example – a counselor asked me my likes and dislikes in several areas from recreation to clothes and I had no idea because I had faded into the background for so long! I know that wonderful feeling of God throwing the windows open, of being set free from my dysfunctional world and brought into the truth. Praise God! He has brought so many wonderful things into my life, and into yours- he makes everything new. I’m still working on finding my voice at times, but I’ve come a long way. Thanks so much for sharing!
Jan – Thank you. It does sound as if our stories overlap. I’m so glad that you’ve found some of the same healing I have. God is good! Thanks for sharing.