Something happened this week that was a crushing disappointment. But let me be clear right from the start – it was disappointment. It was not huge injustice. I was not the victim of abuse or extreme mistreatment. It was “just” disappointment. In the big picture of problems in the world, it’s not huge. For other people it wouldn’t have been more than a minor bump in the road. For me though, it was crushing. It caused tears to spill over for more than one day. I’m well aware that in some ways my disappointment was out of proportion to the circumstances. I’m normally pretty even-keeled. This doesn’t happen often.
The specifics matter less in this space than the thoughts about handling disappointment in general. In 
fact, not playing out the details on this page is part of what feels right in this situation. This is not about building a case or arguing rightness or wrongness. So I won’t be sharing details. What I want to share are the thoughts I have about facing and working through disappointment.
1. I take responsibility for my own baggage and my own reactions.
There are reasons why it hit me so hard that are not the responsibility of the people who caused the disappointment. If it triggers past hurts – that’s not their responsibility. It is mine. Does it bring back old lies? I’m the one who needs to battle that. If it was going to fill a hole in my life and now that won’t happen – it’s not their responsibility to fill the holes in my life. Does it injure my pride? That’s my issue, not theirs. Do I have an inappropriate sense of entitlement? If so, it’s my responsibility to take care of that.
It is also my responsibility to treat all involved with respect. And to extend grace to those making hard decisions. And to not gossip. Some of the reasons for this decision make sense. Others are still confusing to me. But I am responsible for my own actions in response. If I act poorly, I can’t blame it on how disappointed I was or whether it should have happened the way it did.
2. I allow myself to grieve.
I think it is okay to grieve as long as the grieving moves in the direction of healing and not in the direction of bitterness. And as long as I don’t get stuck in it. I won’t get to do something that was already a hope deferred, something I wanted to do months ago and was told I needed to wait. Because of this opportunity, I had made the hard decision to pass up another one – and the one I hated to say “no” to is now too late to jump into. So my summer has a huge hole in it. And there are legitimate things to grieve.
3. I decide if this is something appropriate to fight for, or to ask for reconsideration.
There may be times when it is right to ask questions, to advocate for a different outcome, to appropriately ask for reconsideration. This was one of those times. It does involve something I’ve poured my heart into, a dream I’ve had for years. There are legitimate reasons to discuss the situation and there are reasonable questions to ask about the decision. And I’ve now had those discussions. In this case, nothing changed.
5. I decide when and why to stop asking for reconsideration.
Along with deciding there’s a time to push a bit, to advocate a bit, to hope a bit that the decision might be reversed – there’s another question. When is it time to stop? And what are the right reasons to stop? I think sometimes you stop because it’s not the most important battle to be fighting – i.e., you choose your battles. Other times, I think you stop when you make the decision to just be a good sport about something that didn’t go your way. And then there are times you stop because you choose to trust that the Lord holds your heart and your dreams and your coming in and your going out.
6. I choose not to stay stuck in disappointment and to make choices that move me forward.
How do I do that in practical terms? I need to talk to people who can help me through it – while being careful to not cross the line to gossip. But they can only take me so far. And while it is tempting to continue to rehash it in front of supportive friends, I’ll get stuck if I don’t move beyond that.
There’s internal work that only I can do. I remember the big picture. I go back to the things that give me perspective. I run toward those things and not away from them. It’s part of choosing to move through disappointment rather than stewing in it. So I make sure I spend extra time with the Lord rather than finding excuses to avoid it. I know that time with Him brings peace. So my choices point to whether I desire peace or self-pity.
And then, in this case, I temporarily removed myself from the situation. As I struggled a bit to find my way through, I took a break. I got out of town for a day. I went somewhere I’d never been before. I created a situation that took my mind off the disappointment.
Three days after getting the news, am I still sad? Yes. But not so much. Does it still sting? A bit. But I’ve begun to reframe the rest of my summer to include something I wouldn’t have had time to do before.
And I’m grateful for friends to talk to, a job I really do love and a Lord I can trust with my heart, who calls me out of disappointment and into peace.
Thank you for sharing this- for putting words to the inward struggle when things seem disappointingly unfair, when a dream is dashed, and we can’t fully escape from the daily reminders.
I am always blessed by the words you put to your process, as I sympathize, empathize, and am challenged by them.
Ok— just checking— are you still coming to IN for Leadership Summit?!?! Cause if you’re not, I need to reread your post and work through my own disappointment! (but knowing my very organized beloved friend, I think you would have told me by now if that were the case)
Love you tons!!!!
Kristin – Yes, I’ll be there! I just recently booked my flights and I’ll send you the itinerary soon – coming in on Wednesday evening of that week and leaving on Sunday afternoon.
Betty, your candor and vulnerability leads me to sit up and pay attention. “Do I take responsibility for my own disappointments?” I will ask God to prepare me for the next opportunity as I know another will come.
Love you Betty,
Nancy
Nancy – Thank you. I was thinking about you the other day and trying to figure out how we could get together. I’d love to spend some time with you.
This is brilliant, Betty. The best essay on disappointment I’ve ever read. It’s how I try to live, but it is never easy. Thanks for the insight.
Seth – Thank you. Your comments mean a lot to me.
Thanks Betty. Clear and powerful insights on walking through the valleys. Needed to hear that right now…
I’m sorry that I am part of this story. I’m disappointed too.
One way to avoid disappointment is to be void of expectations and not get your hopes up. Betty, thank you for being hope-filled and expecting great things. Your example is refreshing to me.
Teri – Your current disappointment is so much larger than mine but I admire the grace with which you are navigating it.
Glenn – Thank you. I appreciate that you have openly honored my vision on many occasions. “Grace to those making hard decisions” – I mean that.
Sometimes you don’t know that a nugget is a gem until all the dirt and grime get cleaned off and you hold it up to the light.
All I can say is thank you for letting God continue to do His great work in you. Causing some serious reflection.
So much love and more, Beth.
I like that you still put yourself “out there” to actually BE disappointed occasionally.
A lot of friends our age have “retired,” which means they’ve gone off to Sun City Center where they live in deathly comfort (the adjective is intentional) and “safe” from all the pain of disappointment and dashed hopes, dreams and expectations. They never cry about anything, because they don’t do anything that matters any more.
Keep dreaming, Betty — even if it means you’ll end up in tears now and again. You’re still pullin’ your weight and earnin’ your keep around here. I like it.
Thank you for this very thoughtful, helpful word.I love the way you frame the challenge, and put careful boundaries in place.
And I love the way you find your way home to this: “you choose to trust that the Lord holds your heart and your dreams and your coming in and your going out.”
May God bring great blessing through the hole in your summer.
And if that hole yields a day or two free to wander through Exton, PA, please come visit. We’d love to see you. (Or meet at a beach somewhere to re-enact CSSM free time? – Just hoping . . . )
I really appreciate how you put this disappointing experience into lessons for all of us. Inspiring, challenging, useable insight. Thank you, Betty!
Thank you for showing the side of working through disappointment where fingers are not pointed and lives crushed….
::::sigh::::
I love you so much Betty! You one of the most amazing women I know and I am honored to work for you and also to call you my friend. I hate this for you, but will join you in trusting our Father whose plans aren’t always clear, but work out for our good.
You hack through a lot of the jungle that arises around disappointment and get to the heart of the matter with grace and strength, as is your way.
Thank you.