Sabbath and the fear of “not enough”

For the second time in recent months, I’ve taken some weeks off from blogging.  In July I posted about what I was learning in busy seasons.  I was having to let some things go.  Blogging was one of them.
 
This time has been a bit different.  That incredibly busy season at work has eased for a while.  And I’ve been resting – instead of immediately filling my hours with more busyness.  Don’t misunderstand – I want to work hard, I love what I do, I don’t want to lie around doing nothing.  I’m too excited by the work to which I’m called to do that.
 
But within those parameters, it has felt wise to rest.  I’m sleeping a more reasonable amount.  I’m reading more than I have in years.  I’m watching some tv and movies.  I’m having leisurely conversations with friends.  I’m taking more walks.  I got a puppy – so I’m playing and cuddling and spending time housebreaking him which means spells of standing outside at night looking up at the stars.  It’s felt good and right.
 
And it has caused me to think once again about Sabbath rest and why it is so hard to set aside my “to do” list, my distorted sense of urgency as I look at the things on it.   
 
Lauren Winner, in Mudhouse Sabbath, talks about the difference between true Sabbath and just “taking a day off”.  I know that my rest still leans heavily toward “taking some time for myself”.  But I want to move toward true Sabbath rest, a day where normal rhythms are set aside and something different happens in the spiritual realm.    
 
The problem is, whether I say it out loud or not, my mind always goes to “but I have so much to do”.  When is the laundry going to get done, the bills paid, the house cleaned?  I work full time – and I still have all these other things that need doing.  There’s not enough time.
 
Years ago I learned that tithing or sacrificial giving, for me, is largely about trust.  If I give generously in response to the Holy Spirit’s prompting, do I trust that there will be enough left?  That God will provide for me?  Do I trust that He “will” and not just that He “can”?  It’s been about learning that self-sufficiency is not the goal.
 
A while back I realized the same principle holds true for Sabbath rest.  If I “give up” that time, do I trust that there will still be enough?  Do I trust the Lord to direct my path – including my “to do” list?  Do I trust Him with the things that don’t get done?
 
And then I realized there was another, more hidden, fear of “not enough”.  If my identity is tied to being more competent, more productive, harder working – or any other performance-oriented or people-pleasing characteristic – and if I don’t use every minute I can to “prove” that, then will I be able to do enough? Will people still approve of me?  Will I still have value?
 
It hurts to realize it is a pride thing – and that it impacts my ability to trust God with my time.
 
But recognizing it for what it is lets me bring it into the light, it lets me confront the lies that shape my identity and it lets me move more undistractedly into the rest I believe I’m called to know and experience.
 
There are still the challenges of balancing rest with a call that requires a lot of time and energy.  There will still be unavoidable busy seasons.  There are still many tasks that cannot be neglected.
 
But this much I know – I want to learn to trust God with my time in ways that go beyond where I am right now.  I want to give my all to work and ministry.  And I want to learn to rest deeply and well.