(This is the first part of a discussion. some background info for what is ahead. Coming soon in other posts – thoughts on being a strong (dangerous?) woman and thoughts on being an introverted leader.)
I’m an introvert. I’m also shy in many situations (although not as painfully shy as I was for the first 25-30 years of my life). And the big work God has done in my life in the last 15+ years (yes – in my 40s and 50s) is deal with the fear that had permeated most of my life.
My childhood, my teen years, my twenties and into my thirties are full of memories of shyness. Even now I can remember how it felt. And it was painful. I usually felt like the shy little girl who never grew up and never fit in.
I was in my thirties before anyone significantly challenged my assumption that shyness and introversion were the same thing. I’m not sure whether I thought I was an introvert because I was shy. Or that I was shy because I was an introvert. It didn’t really matter because I believed they were inextricably linked.
I was unaware that I also believed another lie embedded in that. The lie said: “You’re always going to be this shy. You’ll never be able to change. There are a lot of things not available to you because you’re introverted and shy.” Introversion and shyness felt so closely tied to “how I am made” that I could not picture being any other way.
Here’s how shy I was – I ended up sobbing in a college professor’s office because 30% of my grade was going to be class participation and I just couldn’t do it. (And my identity at that point was pretty much wrapped up in being a straight A student.) I wouldn’t suggest a restaurant or a movie when going on a date because I was afraid my date would think it (and therefore I) was stupid. I wouldn’t speak up in class, in a group or to a boss unless specifically addressed and drawn out. Spiritually, as more and more friends were experiencing the “charismatic renewal”, I was terrified – the idea of speaking in tongues was horrifying to me as an intensely shy person.
And the weight of that was crushing. I avoided things that nudged my heart – activities at school, chances to grow, things I wanted to do – and I blamed it on my shyness.
More importantly, I didn’t allow myself to dream big dreams. I couldn’t picture ever having a significant ministry. I tentatively mentioned to my mom once that I might want to be a missionary and her fearful response that I couldn’t do that because it was too dangerous just shut me down. As a teenager, I didn’t have what it took to press through that.
But eventually I began to look at the pieces I hadn’t looked at before. The relationship between shyness and fear. The ways that shyness and introversion are NOT connected. I’d always known I was fearful – but I hadn’t fully factored it into the mix. And I’d never seriously dealt with the reality that I could do something about the fear.
Scripture tells us to “Fear not”. Why would we be given a command unless it was possible to follow it? Is it really possible that when you strip away theological analysis, it’s as simple as ‘not fearing’? Did that mean being a fearful person could be changed? What would it look like to confront fear and move past it? Where would the courage come from? Does a shy person have to go through a different process than a non-shy person?
It didn’t happen overnight, and in fact it happened most significantly during the stage of my life where I had the most reason to be “legitimately” fearful. I had amazing counselors who firmly and gently held out hope to me. My fear began to break apart. I discovered I had a “voice” that I desperately wanted to use – and which deserved to be heard. I took baby steps of courage and lived through them, discovering that they brought freedom instead of death.
I began to entertain the possibility that I mattered, a sense that had been missing while I was imprisoned in shyness and fear.
I’m still an introvert – although on Myers Briggs I test closer to the center of the continuum than I used to. Once my shyness began to break apart, it did change how I answered the questions on the assessment. I’m still shy in some settings – and while I want to work on that where it is fear-based, I’m also learning to be content that I’m not the exuberant, bubbly, dive right in type of person. Not all quietness and reservation is unhealthy or fear-based shyness.
I tend to initially be an observer, especially in groups that I am newly a part of. I take my time. I don’t wrest control away from anyone else. It helps when I have an expected role – both in my own mind and in the perception of the people I’m with. That opens doors for me to be fully engaged.
I can operate outside of these parameters when I need to. And I’m still growing. But the sorting out I did related to shyness, fear and introversion laid the foundation for much of what has unfolded in this season of my life.
To be continued …
LOVE IT! I want more!! 🙂
Thanks Betty for your openness and honesty. Refreshing and bold!
I read a book a few years back that you might find interesting:
Shyness: How Normal Behavior Became a Sickness by Christopher Lane.
Fascinating stuff about how as a society we treat shyness.
This is so great! Really. I love to hear testimonies of freedom. I can’t wait to hear more of your story.
Bob – Thanks. I’ll check it out. Susan Cain’s book (Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking) is fascinating as well.
I am so glad that you are who you are and appreciate the trajectory of growth in you. Your kindness is so woven into your strength of vision, intelligence, and leadership that it may be easy to underestimate the wealth of wisdom and tenacity you bring to the table. You are just so and we are the better for you.
Be careful, my friend! Freedom bursts forth like a daffodil– first peeking tentatively out of the soil and then once the sun hits it– there is no holding it back! My prayer for you, my vision of you –is nothing holding you back, Sister!
Allie – You always know how to encourage me. Thank you.
Pat – Thank you. Can’t quite picture NOTHING holding me back but I’m so grateful for the freedom that has come in recent years. It’s been like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I have loved feeling like I’m growing into who I was meant to be.
Beautifully done. What great and important distinctions. And it really does take someone on the “inside”, not just an observer to really be able to explain them.
Hurray, that the growing doesn’t have to end!
I love the introspection – one of the three things we look for in prospective racers is self-awareness, but most don’t know how to introspect and understand how God made them. You set a high bar, Betty!
Thanks Seth. I’m a lot better at it in my 50s than I was in my 20s.
Dear Betty, Thank you sharing a little about your life with us. God is doing a great work in you and through you. It was such a blessing to be able to be with you and do ministry with you on the Swaziland PVT. Thank you for being our “fearless” leader! God Bless and keep you always. Love, Dawn
What a great testament to what the Lord has done and is continuing to do in gently guiding you into the person He knows you can be. You have come such a long way; ** high five** I’m sure this wasn’t an easy post to write; to a certain degree I have had similar feelings/experiences. Thank you for sharing this and I can’t wait to hear the “rest of the story”. I enjoyed sharing the PVT in Swaziland with you 🙂
What a great testimony. Thank you for opening up and sharing your journey. Im glad to see you walking in freedom. You have such a gentle calming spirit!! It was indeed and honor to serve with you at PVT!
Betty
Just beautiful. Just shows how God is always at work!!
Christi
I am amazed to even think of you as being shy and an introvert. You are so inspiring to me! I know God wants more of me and to use my voice, to make that step of faith. Thank you for sharing this! I have been so blessed getting to know you and hearing you share! PVTs was a life changer for me in so many ways and I know God wants to use me because satan has been attacking since I returned!
Betty, thank you so much for sharing part of your journey with shyness and introversion. I struggle with intense fear and anxiety and it’s definitely something the Lord is highlighting in my life right now, distinguishing between fear and shyness, and what is just my personality and what isn’t. Hearing your perspective is refreshing 🙂 so thank you!
Arianna – Thank you for letting me know. I have seen the Lord work so much in you over the years and I know you will keep pressing into this. I think we understand each other’s challenges a bit. It’s just what you said – “distinguishing between fear and shyness, and what is just my personality and what isn’t”.
Oh Betty, I can’t wait to see the “introvert” girl bringing Kingdom into the bars as we love these beautiful women like they’ve never been loved before! Oh how I love the Jesus in you, and can’t wait to see him shine! See you soon.