The “Hard to Name” Blog Post …

I’ve changed the title of this post quite a few times – trying to find one that captures what I want it to.  I’ve tried “It’s Humbling”, or more specifically, “The Humbling Experience of Support Raising”, or “What Have I Learned About Obedience and Joy and Gratitude by Support Raising” or “What It Has Felt Like to Support Raise”.  But none of those quite capture my jumbled thoughts.  Or maybe this is just a hard one to write.

I know.  For some of you, you want to stop reading right here.  Please don’t. This isn’t about an “ask”.   It is an attempt to share with you a bit of my journey in the same way I have shared on other topics.  I want to be transparent about how I think and process and wrestle.  I want to share the things that have been hard.  The things that have been nice surprises.  Where it has stretched me.  Where it has exhausted me.  Where there have been great stories. What I’ve discovered.  What I still wrestle with.

Essentially everyone I know is bombarded with various requests.  Or you don’t believe in people raising support.  Or you are ambivalent (or not!) about short term missions. I know that and I am respectful of that.  There are organizations that require their home office staff to support raise (like Adventures) and some who don’t.  There are ways to do short term missions and discipleship with integrity and there are methods that are offensive to everyone involved. 

But this isn’t about those details.  It’s about my journey with being called to an organization I believe in, that tells me this is “part of the job”. 

And part of what I’ve discovered is that it is more than just a “job requirement”.  There are unexpected privileges in it – along with the other stuff.

I’ll be honest – the thought of having to “raise support” was one of the hurdles I had to get over before I moved to Georgia to work with Adventures.  I was in my mid-fifties.  It was this simple:  I didn’t want to do it.  In the end though, it became a matter of obedience.  The restlessness that I knew was from the Lord was pointing increasingly toward leaving Connecticut and had begun to point directly toward Adventures in Missions.  And I reached the point where I knew for sure that to refuse to make that move because of the support raising component would be active disobedience to what I was being asked by the Lord to do.  The right question was not “Do I have to support raise?” but “Is God calling me to Adventures in Missions?”

So I’ve learned to trust God in new ways about the hard and scary (and initially distasteful) parts of obedience.

At times I have to actively check my tendency to compare myself (consciously or unconsciously) to those who don’t raise support.  There are two primary ways I can get off track here.  First, raising support for my full-time, long-term job is different than raising for a specific trip or a specific project.  It’s not what I thought I would be doing at this stage of my life.  And I’ve realized that it’s the place where a sense of entitlement can subtly creep in.  “I shouldn’t have to do this.”  “I am owed a salary.”  But I know a sense of entitlement robs you of joy.

So I’ve learned to not give the enemy a foothold by entertaining thoughts that in reality have to do with a sense of entitlement.

A second result of comparing myself to others is that almost without realizing it, those thoughts can feed lies I have no business believing.  Lies about my worth or value.  That my worth is diminished because I don’t get “paid” in a traditional way.  Lies that say I can’t do anything else.  That my security rests in my ability to raise support.   Left unchecked, the lies can bring up the pain and baggage of the divorce.  I do acutely feel the “weight” of not having a spouse to share the burden with but ultimately that can feed into a lie that I’m truly alone. 

However, I know that these lies would surface (in one form or another) no matter where I was, what I was doing and whether or not I was raising support.  The enemy knows where I am vulnerable and he pokes at those spots.  It has nothing to do with support raising.

Therefore, I need to be vigilant in holding onto truth and rejecting lies the enemy would want to have take root in my life.

For much of my married life I was on the other side – the donor who could write the large check.  I often say it’s more fun to be on that side.  But while writing this, I realized I’m not as sure as I used to be about that blanket statement.  I now think it was more fun to be on that side when that was where I was supposed to be.  Supporting a wide range of people and causes kept me connected to what God was doing in the world.  I was a part of helping make something happen even though I couldn’t be on what most people would call the “front lines”. 

It was a gift and a privilege to be able to do that.

But now I’m on the other side – and to be honest, I’m so sure I’m supposed to be here that there’s not a strong draw to be anywhere else, even back on the other side of the checkbook.  There is great delight in being closer to the field ministry, in seeing at closer range what is happening around the world.  In using my skills and talents in a very different environment. In being utilized and fulfilled in a calling.

That I would be called to this is it’s own gift and privilege. 

When I look at the big picture, when I’m not focusing specifically on having to “ask for support”, I’m no longer sure that being on the check writing side is more fun.  It feels more secure, I suppose, but fun … maybe not. 

As I wrap this up, I don’t want to rely on clichéd phrases.  Some of what I’m about to say are things I’ve always heard from support raised missionaries.  And I’ve discovered they are really true.  Not clichés, not “formulas” or “the right thing to say”, but deep down true.  So here goes. 

Some of the good things about support raising: 

• It has connected me with people in wonderful ways.  It’s true – the people who are nudged by the Holy Spirit to support you may surprise you.  And the gratitude I feel is overwhelming.  As I look at the amount that has been given to Adventures in Missions for my support over the last three years, I am humbled, and grateful.  It amazes me.
• It gives me the chance to tell my story and Adventures’ story – and the story of my faith and what God is doing in the world – in a different way.  I’m loving that.
• I get to experience God’s leading, and God’s faithfulness, in new ways.  I have to rely on Him in different ways.  And I am stripped of any illusion that I can take care of myself.  It may be scary – but there’s freedom in that as well.
• I’ve had the true joy of people who have stepped out in faith to give $10 a month – where I know that was hard for them.  When that happens, and when I get to be part of it – it’s such a joyful privilege.  What that says to me about their desire to be part of what God is doing here – and what that says about their trust in my call – feels like a holy thing.  And it brings great joy to see them take their own steps of faith.
• I’ve had people say “You need to be doing what you’re good at in ministry instead of spending time support raising” and they did something which covered most of my shortages for a year.  Words can’t express what that felt like.
• I’ve been blessed by the people who can’t give financially but who pray faithfully for me and for my ministry.  That gift really is of great value to me and I am connected to them in ways that are very similar to my connection to financial donors.  I couldn’t do this without them and I love being dependent on them as well as on my financial donors. 

There are hard parts too.  I still don’t love to “ask”.  I still worry about putting people on the spot (and while I believe it is also giving them a chance to participate in something that matters – it’s still hard for me to do).  I’ve fallen far short of where I want to be in terms of personal contact and thank yous and newsletters and updates.  Finding time to do the important things (like those) in the midst of urgent things (like the daily ministry needs) has been harder than I expected.  And I worry that people don’t know how grateful I really am.

So it’s still a struggle in some ways.  There’s still a part of me that wishes I didn’t have to do it.  But I’m learning valuable things that come as part of doing it and for that, I’m grateful.

(Thanks for being part of this journey with me.  I said at the beginning that this post is not about an “ask” – and it’s really not.  But it’s also true that I do need to rebuild my support account.  It’s at the lowest level it’s been at since I came.  If you’d like to help, there’s a Be Part of My Support Team link along the left hand side of this page.)