Seth Barnes poked his head in my office this week and said, “What’s your Kingdom dream?”
“Kingdom dream” is a phrase we hear a lot at Adventures in Missions. We had a department (now 
rolled into several other departments) called Kingdom Dreams. We launched the Dream project, helping WR alums with Kingdom dreams to connect with business people for mentoring and offering the chance to possibly receive some funding.
But when I’m put on the spot by Seth, I’m not sure how to answer. Why am I more comfortable talking about my journey than my dream? Why is the journey clearer for me than a destination?
There are things I’m passionate about and feel called to – parent ministry, for example. But is that in itself a Kingdom dream? It doesn’t feel specific enough. So I’ve been thinking – what do I want for parents? I want them to feel cared for and understood as they face both the excitement and the apprehension/fear of sending their World Racers off. I want them to delight in their role as the parent of adult children – able to make the parenting shift required at this stage. I want them be stretched and to grow in the Lord – and to be excited about what He has for them in this season. I want to encourage them to explore the restlessness that He might stir and to take their own steps of faith.
Is it okay to say that’s my Kingdom dream at this moment?
But the question of my Kingdom dream still nags at me. What Seth meant as an offhand question has stirred something in me that is unresolved.
An assortment of thoughts and questions crowd my thoughts. Why can’t I definitively name a Kingdom dream – something that God entrusts to me (as opposed to something I just wish would happen)? Don't misunderstand me. My life feels rich and full and I love what I get to do. But Seth's question triggered something.
I know that I’m afraid to dream. I also know I’m supposed to wrestle with this a bit. The Lord is nudging me to confront my fear of dreaming. I can plan well. I can serve well. I can build great programs. But I have a fear of really dreaming.
I’m hesitant to ask the Lord for something that I’m not already pretty sure is likely to happen. It’s rooted in my desire to “get it right”, to not want to ask for the wrong thing. But it shuts down dreaming.
There’s another factor that shuts down dreaming. I don’t yet fully believe He would really use me in the way He uses others. I don’t feel “special enough”. There are deeply buried dreams that I’m afraid to talk about, even to Him. I don’t even ask if they are His Kingdom dreams for me because it feels presumptuous to even think He’d use me that way. It’s not humility. It’s fear, and lack of trust, and a performance based mentality that looks at my shortcomings instead of His empowerment.
So – do I have the courage to begin to dream in new ways? To be honest, I don’t know. But I hope so. I know this restless feeling. I know it’s from the Lord. And I know it’s time to ask Him to keep me unsettled until I finally learn that it is safe to trust Him with my deepest desires and dreams and to trust that out of that, He will entrust me with His Kingdom dream for me.
You my friend are a doer. And doers are important people. They hold the dreams of others together and sometimes that means putting their own dreams to the side…or like you said, not even realizing what they are. Seth is a dreamer. Dreamers are important people too. They inspire others to reach for their dreams and not to shrink back from BIG things. God puts the doers and the dreamers together to stir one another up. To implant HIS dreams and to carry them out….and sometimes to wrestle with Him to seek the newest dream on His heart. Happy wrestling!
Michelle – Thank you. You’re right. I’m a doer and over the years I’ve learned a lot about how to be the “doer” I’m created to be without falling into the “Martha” trap of the wrong kind of busyness. I suspect that my dreams are always going to look different from someone like Seth. You actually helped me clarify something in my mind – I think the reason my dreams sometimes feel like they are only for a season is that my dream is to take an idea and build it and do it excellently and continue to move it forward until it is time to pass off to someone else. But I also know that Seth’s question – when I’m really honest with myself – stirred that fear of admitting my deepest heart desires. They may or may not be Kingdom dreams. But it’s something I feel the Lord is asking me to trust Him with.
Betty, I can hear your voice as I read this. It so reminded me of long conversations we’ve had about the future and what it might look like. I’ll be praying that you take this as an opportunity for the ultimate trust fall – to fall into the dream, whatever it may be – trusting that God will catch you.
Thanks for your openness in sharing this, Betty. I’ll be more careful next time I pop my head in and blurt out a question!
The truth is that you are a faithful steward of the things of God. And dreams are just one of many things we all get to steward. He has given you dreams to steward in relationships. And he’ll give you dreams on another scale too.
It’s not the same as brainstorming. It’s an amazing transaction between a God who sees the future and shares pieces of it with us so that we partner with him in creating it.
Seth – Don’t stop blurting out questions! The random, casual ones come and go quickly as normal conversation. But on the occasions – like this one – where the Lord uses it to trigger a good thought process, I wouldn’t want to miss that. You have a history of challenging me in good ways and I’m grateful.
I’ve realized that what this triggered is less about Kingdom dreams than it is about deep desires. I’m good at accepting whatever my current circumstances are and working within that framework to create something rich and good and excellent. That ability to be content with “how things are” in my life – and to connect gratefully with the Lord in that context – is generally a good thing.
However, it can cause me to run away from being honest about deep desires. The end of my marriage shattered a lot of dreams. The dream of growing old with someone who loves me and delights in my love for him. Building a new life in my new reality, and finding it exciting and fulfilling, is a good thing. But what do I do with that deep desire to not be alone? Why am I afraid to bring that to the Lord? Am I afraid that I will begin to seem ungrateful or less content?
I do know this. What your question triggered is not my tendency to over-analyze things. There’s something in this from the Lord, and in my spirit I know that I don’t want to run away from it.
YOU ARE SPECIAL ENOUGH!!!!
Betty,
Thank you for being honest & thoughtful about this. I have forgotten how to have Kingdom dreams over the past 15 years. The World Race (& a lot of personal adversity) have stirred things up in my life and have really exposed that I really miss having a Kingdom dream (or “BHAG” Big, Hairy Audacious Goal) to chase after…
Let me re-phrase that more strongly. I don’t just miss having a vision to pursue. I need a long-term vision as much as I need air in my lungs. I’m slowly asphixiating on underwhelming aspirations!
Thanks helping make these thoughts more concrete in my head.
Yours in Christ,
Doug Kimbrough
Doug – I understand the desire/need to commit to something bigger than we are. To have a BHAG. It was actually good for me to reread this – and to realize that since I originally wrote it, I’ve come further down the path of realizing that I’m uniquely anointed to be doing what I do. It sounds like your “restlessness” is from the Lord and I believe it is a good thing. You’re right – “life” has a way of distracting us, and sometimes beating us up a bit. This is a great season to let the Lord speak new things, or revive old things. (I wrote another post about that – http://bettymeans.myadventures.org/?filename=what-does-god-want-to-do-in-your-50s)
Wow-This really hit a chord with me. Today I started Seth’s Art of Listening Prayer 30 day devotion. When I asked God if I had offended Him, he gave me the word trust. I don’t trust Him with my daughter, Rachel, who is currently on the race, and I don’t trust Him with my constant physical pain. So thank you for posting that it is time to trust Him with our deepest dreams…because I need to do this as well!!!!
Kathy – I’m so glad you were encouraged! And it sounds like you are very much on your own journey. If trust is what the Lord is stretching you in, there’s a book by Brennan Manning that you might enjoy called Ruthless Trust.
Betty you have been such a blessing to me & countless families & for that you are doing exactly what God needed you to do. Pray those dangerous prayers & He will continue to work wonders through you??????2022 here you come??
Roberta – Thank you! This made my day.