When Going Deeper Reveals Subtle Stinginess

Healthy boundaries are important. This post is not about that. It’s not about the wisdom needed to prayerfully navigate through healing. It’s not about reconciliation. And it’s not about forgiveness.

It is about the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit. A voice that becomes discernible when you pay attention to a nagging sense that what is “right” or “appropriate” is not the whole story. The voice that in this case said “Don’t be stingy with prayer.”

It is, at its core, about asking the Lord why something keeps you unsettled. About running human voices through the filter of His voice and His grace.

Someone who hurt me deeply, someone I have very little contact with these days, recently asked for prayer. And it unsettled me a bit. Almost unbidden, a thought popped into my mind. “That’s inappropriate. This person lost the ‘right’ to ask that.” And on one level that is true. We’re not in the kind of covenant friendship or relationship where praying for one another is part of the commitment and the bond. In addition, it is a situation where certain boundaries are wise and appropriate.

It is not a case of the Lord nudging me to pray and me refusing to do so. That defiance would clearly be wrong on my part – and would say more about my relationship with the Lord than my relationship with this person. The reality is, from time to time I am nudged to pray and I do so. But being asked to pray felt different.

It felt like an in-between space. I’ve forgiven this person. I’m not uncomfortable when life throws us together at the same event. I don’t wish them harm or destruction. If they should be blessed beyond measure, to be completely honest it might be a little bit hard for me but not terribly so.

But being asked for prayer nagged at me. Why?

Trusted and wise friends confirmed that there is a certain awkwardness in this prayer request. They know the story well enough to confirm that I am released from the bond that would “require” me to pray. They affirm that the boundaries I’ve put in place are healthy ones.

But the nagging unsettledness wouldn’t go away. And I’ve learned to pay attention when that happens. It’s important. It typically takes me deeper into the heart of God.

With the help of a trusted counselor, I pinpointed the uneasiness I’d been feeling.

My focusing on what was right or appropriate was subtly edging me toward stinginess in prayer. That’s what didn’t feel right. It’s what felt unsettled.

Stinginess in prayer shouldn’t feel right. I was unsettled because I was being called deeper. Having done the hard work of healing and forgiveness, having let that grow more and more solid, enables a new and deeper freedom to emerge. One that is not governed by the details of rightness or appropriateness. One that more closely resembles the model Jesus set for me.

So it feels different now.  Boundaries? Yes, they are still appropriate. Wisdom? Of course it’s necessary. Being unsettled by a prayer request or being stingy with prayer? That’s what I needed to bring to the Lord.  That, and a continued willingness to wrestle with unsettledness and to be called deeper.